People are just rude!

Douglas Wolf ACT! Certified Consultant

According to recent workplace surveys, rudeness at work is on the rise! Whether its cell phones ringing in meetings, snide comments over the cubicle wall or customers who get in your face, we all are facing an increasing number of difficult people. In my experience as a coach/consultant, I’ve noticed a huge jump in the number of people complaining about dealing with rude and insensitive coworkers and even bosses. What’s the best way to cope with these behaviors?

Don’t take it personally!

The first thing to remember about difficult behavior is that the person doing it has been doing it for a long time, in a lot of situations, to a lot of people - not just you! There are very few situations when we deliberately wan to offend a customer or coworker. Usually, we make an off hand comment or a small error. Some of us forget to put on our best customer service face. But most of us aren’t downright malicious and don’t really want to push people’s buttons. The people who get unduly upset and then berate us do it because that’s the way they operate in the world. So, keep your perspective and remember, the yelling, raging person making you feel like a deer in the headlights is just doing his/her thing. In your ACT contact notes/history, note the kind of difficult behavior you received. If you were able to calm the customer, note what you did - the key words or phrases. This prepares you for the next time you encounter this customer. So, why do difficult people do it?

Because it works!

That’s right. Behavioral theory asserts that we do things repeatedly because we get some sort of reward for the behaviors. We may not always recognize it as rewarding at the time. We just know it works. The same is even true of destructive behaviors - such as rudeness or rage. People who frequently use rude behavior or come across as bulldogs do it because in the past they’ve gotten what they wanted with this technique. Why change it if it works? The rub is that you’re on the receiving end and you really don’t want to reward this type of behavior. On the other hand, since this person has been doing this “thing” for a long time and has gotten rewards for doing it, what are the chances that your interactions are actually going to change their techniques?
The chances are good that you can change how they treat YOU.

And that’s the important key to coping with rudeness - you have control over how you behave in the face of difficult behavior. Unlike lizards, we have the ability to choose our responses because we can learn from past experience and apply new ideas and tools. The distinction to remember is that lizards react, humans can choose to respond. Our big brains give us more choices - better problem solving skills. So when you’re faced with a bulldog customer or a rude coworker, you have choices. You can react angrily in return. Or you can pull out one of the following tools and skillfully wield it in response to the difficult behavior. You’ll be surprised and pleased at the results!
New tools!

1.    Take a deep breath. Get yourself out of the “deer in the headlights” state so you can think more clearly.

2.    Repeat what the other person has said - another tool to give yourself time to think.

3.    Use the other person’s name respectfully - this holds their attention.

4.    If it’s a customer, tell them you want to talk about this important issue, in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Then move to a spot away from any audience. If it’s a coworker, talk privately so you can both maintain dignity. On the phone, use reassuring words such as “This is important. Let’s get it straightened out.”
“What do you think should be done to remedy the situation?”

Once you’ve begun using these and other tools, you’ll notice that rude and unruly people don’t stay mad at you for long. Your ability to respond rather than react earns you respect - you’re seen as someone who is strong. If you were NOT able to calm the customer, talk over the conversation with a trusted colleague and rehearse new responses. Your best “defense” against losing your cool and causing more damage is to be prepared.  Record good notes on your contacts in ACT!. What are their preferences? What time of day is best to call? What are key words about his/her organization? Prevent customer dissatisfaction by being proactive and on top of your game.

There’s more….

Dealing with rudeness and insensitive or angry people takes practice. You want to be able to respond rather than react so you need to rehearse new responses that you can pull out and use even under the most stressful situations.